South County Doulas
In- Home Postpartum Support for Mom, Baby & Family
Postpartum Couples
While you're showering so much love on your little one, don't forget the other VIP in your life — your partner. Nourishing that relationship is just as important as nurturing your baby (after all, your baby will grow up and leave the nest but your partner is yours for life), so make an effort to stay connected. However, it's one thing to say, and another thing to do, especially when there are so many diapers and bottles and loads of laundry begging for your attention. So just how do you make sure your relationship with your partner doesn't fall by the wayside? The answer is quality time, not quantity, when it comes to connecting with your mate.
5 ways to find couple time
- Grab at least a few minutes together every day. An early morning cup of coffee or a late dinner (after your baby is down for the night) will give you a chance to catch up on what's up.
- Show affection freely and often. Kiss when you come in, hug when you leave. Stolen moments of intimacy — like sneaking a deep kiss as you pass in the hallway — will help you feel connected despite a hundred distractions (plus, it's totally hot).
- Shoot for some regular "together time." Schedule a weekly sitter (or maybe switch off on childcare duty with a like-minded couple) and head out for dinner, a movie, or even a drive to nowhere. Can't leave the nest? Plan a film fest at home. Rent some flicks, order in, and snuggle on the couch. (Try not to fold laundry tonight — it'll definitely ruin the mood.)
- Let your husband, not your baby, be the center of the universe for a while. Unless there's a safety issue, your little one can wait a minute while you finish speaking with (or kissing) your spouse. Your child will not only learn to be patient, but he'll see that you respect and love his daddy.
- Remember, communication is a major step toward intimacy. If you're feeling lonely, undesirable, resentful, or anything else, talk about it with your spouse before your emotions snowball into a big icy boulder sitting between you.
6 ways to ease into sex postpartum
Get the green light. First and foremost, make sure you've gotten the okay from your practitioner. If you had a vaginal delivery, sexual intercourse prior to four weeks postpartum, can be more than just messy (lochia, anyone?), but it could also leave you susceptible to a vaginal infection; and if you had a c-section, your incision is still healing. Either way, your body needs time to recover.
Take control. Unless you want back-to-back pregnancies, you'll need a reliable form of birth control. And despite what you've heard, breastfeeding doesn't count. At your postpartum visit, your practitioner will surely want to discuss your birth-control options, which, if you are breastfeeding, may differ from what you used prebaby — especially if you were on the pill (the progestin-only pill, called the mini-pill, or Depo-Provera, both of which do not contain estrogen, are the most commonly used when still nursing). But if you're not nursing, hormonal methods like the pill, patch, or ring will work for you. And of course, there are the barrier methods like the diaphragm, condom, and cervical cap (which, if you already have one, may need to be refitted postbaby). An IUD is safe in both cases, so if that route appeals to you, ask your practitioner.
And once you're primed and ready to go…
Lubricate. Using K-Y jelly or Astroglide until your own natural secretions return can reduce pain — and increase pleasure. Buy them in economy sizes, so you'll be more likely to use them liberally — on both of you.Loosen up. Speaking of lubrication, drinking a small glass of wine can also help you unwind — and keep you from tensing up and experiencing pain during intercourse. (If you're nursing, just make sure you drink it right after a feeding). Another great way to loosen up is massage, so request one prior to closing the deal.
Warm up. Of course, your partner's probably as eager as he's ever been to get down to business (after six weeks or more off the course, he's ready to rev from zero to 60 in six seconds or less). But while he may not need much (if any) foreplay, you definitely do. So ask for it. And then ask for some more. The greater effort he puts into warming you up (time permitting, of course), the better the main event will be for both of you.
Tell it like it is. You know what hurts and what feels good, but your partner doesn't unless you provide him with a clearly marked road map ("Turn left, no right, no down, up just a smidge, slowly…there we are!"). So speak up when things heat up!
Position properly. Experiment and find a position that puts less pressure on any stitches and gives you control over the depth of penetration (this is one time when deeper will definitely not be better). Woman-on-top or side-to-side are both great postpartum picks for those reasons. Whoever's in charge of the strides, make sure they're at a comfortably slow speed.
Pump it up. No, not what you're thinking. Pump blood flow and restore muscle tone to your vagina by doing everybody's favorite exercise, Kegels. Do them day and night (and don't forget to do them when you're doing "it," too).
Allowing Dad To Help with Baby
Maybe you need a quality nap or you're dying for a hot bath, or you just want to see a flick with a friend. Who better to watch your critter for an hour — or the duration of an afternoon matinee — than the guy sleeping right next to you: Daddy! Even if he hasn't had much experience in baby care (without you looking over his shoulder, at least), now's the perfect time to help him get up to speed.
The first step toward getting Dad on duty? Ask him. It's okay to acknowledge you need help or just a couple of hours to yourself. He may actually relish the chance to do things his own way (at least when it comes to changing a diaper).
The next step: Back off, Mama, and let Papa have some fun. Let him give the baby a bath or handle a few feedings (or if you're nursing, ask him to put the baby to sleep). Welcome all questions but try to zip it on the backseat driving. Daddy may seem to have ten thumbs when it comes to wrestling junior into a onesie, but that's just because he hasn't had nearly as much practice as you. If you're hypercritical or bossy, he might just decide to throw in the towel (and the diapers, bottles, and washcloths) and that's not good for anyone involved, including the baby.
Hey, if your husband really wants to triple bag every poopy diaper, let him. In the past, the two of you have managed to mesh your differences (you've got that cute baby to show for it), and parenthood is no exception. Remind him (and yourself) that you're new at this too — you learned by doing and so can he. Plus, change is good — a different style of playing (perhaps more physical or high-energy than your usual way) will stimulate your baby in new ways.
Keep in mind that your spouse is your partner, not your helper, and should be as fully involved in childrearing as possible (even if he's the type to need a little shove to get going). You wouldn't think of leaving him out of the big decisions and events that'll shape your baby's future, so why exclude him from the everyday stuff that also makes up your life as a family?
Dads Get Post-Baby Blues, Too
Having a new baby can be overwhelming for anyone (just ask any new mom or dad). But postpartum depression is more serious than just feeling sad, tired, or stressed. PPD — in men and women — is marked by a feeling of severe sadness or emptiness, a feeling of failure and even disconnectedness from family, friends, and, most significantly, the baby. Parents with PPD are less likely to do things like sing to their babies or take them outside to play, researchers note — both of which are enriching and bonding experiences for both babies and parents.
If you notice that your partner seems more than a bit blue or tired, don't keep it to yourself (especially now that you know even guys can suffer from PPD). Start addressing the problem by talking to him about it. Encouraging your mate to share his concerns with someone he trusts may be the best medicine, and once he knows that he has your support, he'll likely feel less alone. If extreme sadness continues in the weeks (or months) after your baby arrives, suggest that he seek professional help. Ask your doctor or your baby's pediatrician for a referral to a therapist.
